Somewhere along the line, this happened

So, I'm fat.
If that makes you uncomfortable, we could say I am overweight, chubby, or just a bit bigger than others.
Somewhere along the line that happened.

Since as long as I can remember I've always been bigger than my friends. Looking back... I looked good, but I always felt fat. I never thought too much about it because everyone has self-esteem issues. A couple years ago I saw an ad on the side of a bus that read "tired of being the fat funny one?" I laughed cause THAT WAS ME, and then I cried.

Junior High was weird, and High school was even more rough, but I had really good friends. We were a tight group. One of the things we would do most often was that, whenever a movie came out, we would cast ourselves in the movie. The most memorable one we cast was "A Bug's Life." I was cast as Heimlich. The hysterical caterpillar that was constantly feeding his face. Funny, but fat. I never felt like I shoved my face with food, and I am sure that is not the reason I was cast but nonetheless it stuck to my frail high school heart. If my friends thought this really hurt my feelings, they would have been sad, like I said, they were good people. Someone had to be him, and he truly is a great character... I am just telling you how it was. The fat funny friend. Always been that one.

So, why not change? Why, if my feelings were hurt, not run more? You see, over the years, I have never NOT been able to do something because of my weight, except maybe pull off a super skanky halloween costume... but C'est la vie. I think that because of this, I never let myself get super focused about really losing it. I led a really fast paced, full of projects life and never got to the end of the day thinking I couldn't finish because I didn't have the energy because I was fat. In college, I was never cast as the ingenue, but  always loved the character roles anyways... and you never had to be thin for those. And maybe people talked about this behind my back. Maybe they wished I would do something about it. But I never heard those words, and I am glad I didn't. We are too easily broken, and this would have done it. Negative words never helped anyone change.

What I did notice, over the years, is that when I felt really good about myself my weight never mattered. I still dated, and felt beautiful and, dare I say, even sexy. I did notice that when someone gave me a compliment that it didn't settle me into complacency of where I was at, but inspired me to be better and do more. I say that only because I heard recently someone say he didn't want to tell his chubby daughter that she was beautiful because he didn't want her thinking that she should feel okay staying chubby. He wanted her to strive for more. I was angry. I told him that positive words compelled people to be better and whether that meant she would work on her body more or just meant that she would just be the saving grace to a million people because of who she was because she knew she was beautiful... it didn't matter. The positive words from people around me challenged me. Our thoughts truly change how we carry ourselves and our bodies feel that.

For example. I have always worn odd clothing combinations. I made a lot of my clothing. I love putting new things together and trying to get away with making a broach out of melted plastic spoons or a vest out of some polyester jeans. I had a professor once stop me and say "Melissa, you are the Carrie (sex and the city reference) of our university." I reeled at the thought. First thinking, Carrie is a size 0, and I have been double digits as long as I can remember, but then Second thinking, size didn't matter. And it didn't. I carried myself with an air of confidence and I pulled that shit off. Now, there were days that I put on an outfit when I wasn't feeling great, and by the end of the day I was thinking "WHAT AM I DOING WEARING THIS CRAZINESS!" Then a week later, I would wear the same thing when I was feeling great and It was like I was wearing the new line off the runways. It was all about how I felt and carried myself.  You have probably seen someone and thought "I could never pull that off." Well, you wouldn't be able to. Not with that attitude. But if you said "I could rock the hell out of that dress"... you probably would. (side note: Scott Young would probably say I still looked crazy in everything I wore. But I loved him dearly for grounding me in some of those choices that my father tried to quench even when I was in high school.)

So...

Although I didn't let it wear me down, I did think about being skinny. I would have loved to actually have been a size Carrie. But I couldn't wrap my head around how I would do it, and didn't want the thoughts that I saw eating away at all my friends to eat away at who I was. After all size didn't matter. Health mattered, and I was healthy.

Then, I got an ulcer. I pain from the very depths of hell. All of a sudden I was majorly aware of my body. Took me by surprise and so I started looking at diets. Not that only fat people got ulcers, but in my pleading to my doctor to never have to experience this again he said "Well, I guess you could lose weight." So I started looking at diets. None of them made much sense to me. The only thing that clicked in my head was that no matter what I did it would have to be a life change, NOT a diet. Sure I thought about cutting out carbs for 3 months and getting super skinny but then maybe committing suicide on a binge of Kaylene Harris's french bread. Sure. That would be a great idea. So, life change. Got it.

I started in January of 2011 by trying, as part of a New Year's Resolution, 100 days of sugar free. Not like, NO sugar. Just like, NO candy and desserts. It wasn't as hard I thought, and I did it. Totally successful. I told people about it, like you are supposed to. They were great about not offering me sugar. (I cheated once, on a rolo. It was divine. Judge me.) Also, I spent almost every day doing Biggest Loser workouts thanks to my room mates collection and I lost 20 pounds. I felt good, and people told me I looked good which gave me the courage to stay on track. I didn't tell anyone except my room mates and my sister that I was doing this. I didn't want people to be disappointed if I couldn't finish it, and this had to be all me. Plus I was not a runner and my sister and mom were on a huge running kick and that wasn't a group I had any interest in joining. This was to be my own way.

I  had also embarked in a new relationship and it was good-- real good. Then time passed and there was a lot of stress in my relationship, whether or not it was ever talked about- it was there. I was not feeling confident about anything in my life except my job. (I am lucky enough to have an amazing job with co-workers that I love and only sometimes do I want to knock heads.) I wasn't confident that I was beautiful and that was an odd feeling to me. I began to realize that size mattered, not just health. I hated HATED HATED coming to that realization. I wanted to believe that a man would see me from across the room as someone they wanted, but it wasn't true. I am not saying a man wouldn't love me for the size I was, but as much as it sucks the first impression isn't GIRL FRIEND, its BEST FRIEND unless you are a media made size. And we are trying to break that mold, and we are are trying to change the way we think... but it exists nonetheless and for the first time I felt it. I get it. Double Standard. I know. I ogle Hugh Jackman too.

I didn't realize it at first, because this thinking didn't make me eat more or move less, but the way my body processed food because of how I was thinking changed and I gained the weight all back and by the beginning of 2012 I had it all back and more. I couldn't get my head on top of these feelings of inadequacy because of a failing relationship that although I scrambled to fix, broke. I went through all the questions of what I could do better, but he had no answers for me. But I knew. I knew that if I was beautiful, it might have been easier. He never said it. He didn't have to. I will come to peace with that sometime. We had broke, I was broken.

That week, a volunteer that I work with emailed me the following...
  

"Melissa. You are beautiful. You are amazing in all aspects of your life, but you are beautiful. It was the first thing I noticed about you. I don't mean to come off rude, but I was surprised at how attracted to you I was because you are much larger than most girls that I date, but then I realized that it was because you knew you were beautiful and it radiated out of you. Melissa, something happened over the last few months because you look like you don't believe that anymore and I just wanted you to know that nothing has changed. You ARE stunning."

 

The email took my breathe away. I had let everything around me suggest to me that I was no longer beautiful, or had ever been. I had begun to believe it, and above all that had affected me. So that week, a friend of a friend started a Biggest Loser competition. I had all the free time in the world now, so I joined up. I decided that this would be my life change. No diets, just a life change. And I stayed strong. I tracked everything I did in My Fitness Pal, and had friends on there and strangers encouraging me. My room mates were rock solid. On the days I felt that I would rather die than go to the gym they sweetly and sometimes roughly (depending on the day) encouraged me to GO! I never told anyone else I was doing it. I wanted the reason of me NOT having dessert to be because I said "no thanks." And if I did have it, then no one would be like "oh she fell off the horse, to shame." I wanted to prove I had the self discipline and ability to do anything I wanted.

So I did it. 12 weeks and going. I am not done. I am just beginning. Clearly I am still the fat girl,the beautiful fat girl. But I wanted to share these thoughts with you. My story. The beginning of my story, and it is never to late to begin.

What I want you to remember is this: In your personal life battles, positive energy and uplifting thought has the power to heal or destroy you. Tell yourself you are beautiful, even if no one else is. Tell yourself you are strong, even if you can't see it. Never think you are helping by pointing out a flaw. BE POSITIVE. Our energy and our thoughts dictate how our bodies handle life more than you will ever understand.

Anyways, here is the before and after for 12 weeks.  And if you see me at the gym or having dessert with friends know that I am still working it out. Step by Step. But also know that if you need someone to tell you you can do anything, call me "cause if you're willing to go through all the battling you got to go through to get where you want to get, who's got the right to stop you? I mean maybe some of you guys got something you never finished, something you really want to do, something you never said to someone, something... and you're told no, even after you paid your dues? Who's got the right to tell you that, who? Nobody! It's your right to listen to your gut, it ain't nobody's right to say no after you earned the right to be where you want to be and do what you want to do!" -Rocky Balboa (of course)

Lost 36 pounds. Hells yes.

Like I said, Just the beginning. . .
(Also, I am super terrified to hit Publish on this. Just saying)